THE DREAMUNLOCKED
  • TheDreamUnLocked
  • Actor Classes
    • What's Your Actor Super Power?
    • Emotional Type Audition Technique
    • How to Double Your Auditions
    • GET UNSTUCK >
      • I Am Enuf DOL MiniCourse
    • BLOGS >
      • BadAssActor Blog
      • BadAssWriter Blog
  • Writer Classes
    • What is the Solo Show Secret
    • Fix My Solo Show
    • Journalling into Story
    • How to Start Writing MiniCourse
    • Writer MiniRetreats
  • ABOUT APRIL
    • Work with April
    • Privacy Policy
  • Testimonials
  • DONATE
  • GetUnStuck CTA

​​BadAss Actor Blog

A Game of Thrones Recap From the Westeros Barbershop

5/13/2019

0 Comments

 

By Michael Harriot

from The Black Person's Guide to The Game of Thrones

Picture

Unfortunately, The Root’s regular Game of Thrones reviewer has the day off. The following recap of Sunday’s episode is transcribed from Calvin Patterson, the head barber at Valyrian Cutz, a barbershop located in South Central Westeros.

What’s up, bruh?

I know y’all heard they killed that black girl down in King’s Landing yesterday. I’ve seen the video. She was unarmed, not bothering anybody, and they cut her head clean off in front of her boyfriend while he just stood there like he didn’t even have any balls or anything.

Yeah, he was one of those Unsullied. You know—one of those brothers who do security for that stupid white girl with the dragons. I know her. We went to high school together. She always hung around with the black people trying to convince them to vote for her for class president because she was the “breaker of chains.” She goes by “Khaleesi” now, but she used to call her self K’Lisa Stormborn Targaryen. Last I heard, she had moved out of town and married Aquaman.

Talmbout she’s the “Mother of Dragons.” Well, it looks like someone needs to call Child Protective Services because she done got two of them killed. The last time she went down there fucking with Cersei, they shot a dragon out of the sky with a big ol’ bow and arrow. But Daenerys went right back there with no armor or nothing!

She had Robby Baratheon’s break baby, Gendry, with her and I know he has his blacksmith certification because we went to Seven Kingdoms Community College together. Seems like he could’ve made a bulletproof vest for the Dragons or something. But you know white privilege will make them think they are indestructible.

You want it low with a bald fade on the sides, right?

Anyway, this is how I heard it went down:
Everything started at the homegoing services for the people who died at the white supremacist march on Winterfell. I ain’t never been to a funeral for white folks but from everything I’ve seen on television, white people give their eulogies at the gravesite. They say Rev. Jon Snow really preached but I figured he would. After all, he is born again. Nobody fainted, caught the Holy Ghost or said “Lord please take me!” like we do at our funerals.

After the funeral, they went to the repast, except I heard that no black people were allowed. I’m serious! You know they don’t play that race-mixing shit up North! If you think I’m kidding, tell me this:

Why were there no black people in the cafeteria at Winterfell?

They even let Wildings eat there but, apparently, the Unsullied and the Dothraki have to eat in a different lunchroom. They probably were afraid that the black people would waste all of the wine when they poured out a little liquor for their dead homies. I doubt the Unsullied wanted to be around those drunk white folks anyway. They probably had their own repast with some pound cake, lemon pepper raven wings and some brown liquor.

You want me to shape your beard up?

Speaking of beards, my man Tormund got his heart broken so hard that he took his army and went home after he heard Brienne let Jamie smash her virgin cakes.

Yeah, Jamie Lannister supposedly got so drunk at the repast that he went to Brienne of Tarth’s hotel room and gave her some Lannister loving. After he realized that Brienne wasn’t gonna do all the freaky stuff Cersei used to do, he tried to ghost Big Brie. But you know it’s hard to sneak out of a room when you have a metal hand, so Brienne put on her Valyrian Secrets nightgown, walked outside in her bare feet and caught him in the parking lot trying to get out of Dodge.

When Jamie broke her heart, they say she had one of the ugliest cries since that dude on Intervention. I tried to tell Brienne that she should get with Tormund, but you know how it is. They always curve the guy who really likes them because they want the cute dude with money, titles and a gold hand.

But you know what they say:

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you ... You get Jamie’s sloppy seconds.”

Part or no part?

Did you hear about Gendry proposing to Arya Stark?

Yeah! Daenerys gave Gendry a title and 40 acres and a mule down in Storm’s End. He immediately ran outside and asked Arya to marry him. Arya gave him a kiss and told him that she wasn’t about that “lady” life. Her only goal in life is to take her horse down to Old Kings Road and kill until she can’t no more.

That girl has no name and—you know what Biggie said:

“You can’t turn a ‘No’ into a housewife.”

So Arya and the Hound are headed to King’s Landing with nothing but some swords and two fresh cans of whip-ass.

Hold still, I’m about to get the dragonglass clippers to do your edge-up.

You heard the rumors about Jon, right?

Jon found out that he was the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and wasn’t a bastard after all. Dany didn’t want him to tell anyone but he met Sansa, Bran and Arya under the Weirwood tree to smoke a blunt. Jon was going to tell them but he punked out and asked Bran to do it. Well, you know Bran is always high as a three-eyed raven so he spilled the beans. Plus, I feel like Bran is a little resentful because they haven’t installed any ramps at Winterfell.

Of course, Sansa can’t stand Daenerys, so she told Tyrion, who told Lord Vaerys, who I’m convinced is the son of Rosie O’Donnell and Curly from The Three Stooges. Lord Varys, the “Master of Whispers” can’t hold water, so he’s probably going to put that shit out on a fake Twitter account and everyone is gonna know, which will cause chaos. This is all part of Sansa’s plan to climb to the top because you know what Littlefinger used to say before Arya did her Night King dress rehearsal on his throat:

“Chaos is a ladder.”

Speaking of Sansa’s plans, I feel like this is all part of an ethnic cleansing plan to make the Seven Kingdoms into an all-white country. First, they sent the Dothraki out to get slaughtered by the white supremacist walkers at the Battle of Charlottesville Winterfell. Then Daenerys only took 34 Unsullied with her to talk to Cersei at the King’s Landing Summit. It felt like a setup.
​

Jon is on the way with a few soldiers from the North but who knows when they are going to get to King’s Landing. I’m pretty sure he’s using Waze and traffic is pretty bad on the interstate during this time of year. Now Dany’s mad, but she ain’t got shit but one dragon, 17 Dothraki soldiers and a handful of Unsullied commanded by a man with a broken heart.

Now, Missandei, the last black person in the Targaryen administration, is dead. I hope her funeral is a closed casket because you know those white folks at the Westeros Funeral Home are gonna fuck her hair up if it’s an open casket funeral. They don’t know what to do with her 3C hair.

Here’s the mirror. How does that look?

That’ll be $25.50.

If you see any Unsullied, make sure you tell them Valyrian Cutz is the only black barbershop in King’s Landing. If they manage to breach the wall, we’ll give them a special bereavement price because they all have the same low Caesar haircut anyway. Let Daenerys know that we do eyebrows, too. But the dragon has to stay outside.

I’ll see you next week.
​

Who’s next?

Picture
0 Comments
    ILove the blog? Consider donating so we can continue to provide great creative content.
    DONATE

    April Yvette Thompson
    is a Tony-winning
    producer,
    writer
    &  actor
    ​working
    across media.  


    FOUNDER/CEO of TheDreamUnLocked: Boutique Coaching for Actors, Writers & Dreamers⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    W/25 years of teaching, acting, writing & advocating for people's dreams, April has the uncanny ability to help her clients find their personal transformation magic. ⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    April is a midwife of genius: helping u give birth to ur dreams & crossing the finish line to ur goals. ⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    The DreamingOutLoud Technique from April's Ted Talk: ReWrite Your Story, is the basis of her teaching method⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    . • Writing is the way to focus ourselves in the present, on what's working & figuring out new ways to get around old problems⁣⁣

    ​ ⁣⁣ •Writing is a way to align the life ur living w/the life uv always dreamed about⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    • Writing is also how u let go of the BS beliefs u have about what ur capable of.⁣⁣ The DreamingOutLoud Technique allows ⁣⁣u to grieve the losses, forgive urself for past mistakes & weave a new story of how ud like to spend the rest of ur life thriving instead of just surviving.⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    HOW I HELP YOU MOVE FROM FEAR TO F🌀CK THIS⁣⁣
    The DreamingOutLoud Technique uses writing exercises, a rigorous questioning process & dismantling of all the limiting beliefs u hold that no longer serve u⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    Like Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction & transformation, I help u root out the dead weight so that u can focus on flying. ⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    I teach u
    How to get⁣⁣
    past FEAR ⁣⁣
    to F🌀CK THIS ⁣⁣
    F🌀CK THIS is that place where even though you're broke & nothing is working & you're afraid of complete failure, you finally decide:⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    I'm doing this sh🦋t by any means necessary because JOY is my BIRTHRITE.⁣⁣
    ⁣⁣
    TheDreamingOutLoud Technique is what happens next after F🌀CK THIS
    ⁣⁣⁣⁣
    From escaping the Pork N' Beans projects to Vassar, Broadway/Film/TV & doing the fabulous black expat writer thing in Morocco; I've figured out how to ⁣⁣WEAVE a RICH life ⁣⁣
    by RE-IMAGINING ⁣⁣POOR beginnings
    ⁣⁣
    I’ve created a process where u can learn how to change the very fabric of your life. This magic is available to everyone⁣⁣
    It's called ReWriteYourStory, the fuel that drives the DreamingOutLoud Technique

    TheDreamUnLocked.com
    AprilYvetteThompson.com



    Categories

    All
    12 Step MFA
    26 Things
    9 Times Fast
    Acting For The Camera
    Actor
    Actor Blues
    Actor Bullshit
    Actor Entreprenuer
    Actor Inspiration
    Actor Nudity
    Actor Prep
    Actor Problems
    Actors Arsenal
    Actorsarsenal
    Actor-tip
    Actor Training Programs
    Actor-vs-star
    Agent
    Aisha-hinds
    Alfre Woodard
    April In April
    April Yvette Thompson
    Artistentrepreneur
    Artist Housing
    Artist Shit
    Artists Survival Job
    ASK April
    Asking Permission
    Auditioning
    Audition Jitters
    Badass Actor
    BadAssActor
    BadAssActor FB Group
    Badass Black Womn
    Bald Black Beauty
    Beyonce-badassery
    Beyonce-badassery
    BFA
    Biggest Question About OnCameraAuditions
    Black Actresses
    Black Girl Magic
    Black History Month Special Edition Of The BadAssActors Arsenal Newsletter
    Black-ish
    Black Love On Primetime
    Blackness
    Black Panther
    Black-panther
    Black Women Telling Their Stories
    BOOK IT
    Branding
    Branding And Marketing
    Brene-brown
    Building An Acting Career
    BULL
    Burning Bridges
    Burning-questions-about-acting
    Burningquestionsaboutacting
    Business Of Acting
    Calling Your Own Shots
    Call To Performing Artists
    Case-study
    Center Of Your Emotional Range
    Character
    Character Actor
    Character Actor Vs Leading Actor
    Cherise Boothe
    Clients
    Client Success Stories
    Compassion
    Courage Over Fear
    COVID Wakeup Call
    Danai Gurira
    Dark Brown Girl Problems
    Dark Skin Representations
    Diversity
    Don-cheadle
    Don-cheadle-on-acting
    Dora Milaje
    Dreambuilder
    DreamingMoroccoRetreat
    Dreamingoutloud
    DreamingOutloud Emotional Type
    DreamingOutLoud For Writers
    DreamingOutLoud MiniCourse
    DreamingOutLoud Technique
    Ellen-pompeo
    Emotional Branding
    Emotional Chords
    Emotional Type
    Emotional Type Vs Physical Type
    Empathy
    Epa
    Failure
    Fall-in-love-with-acting
    Fck-it-moment
    Fck-that
    Fear
    Film
    Film-tv
    Financial Security
    Fit-for-a-queen
    Focus
    FOMA
    Fuck-availability-checks
    Fundraising
    Game Of Thrones
    Game Of Throness
    Gene-wilder-on-acting
    Getanagentmanager
    Getting An Agent
    Getting Out Of Your Own Way
    Getting Out Of Your Way
    Getting-out-of-your-way
    Getting Paid What You're Worth
    Get Unstuck
    Gift Certificates
    Goal Setting
    Greatest-actor-of-our-generation
    Greys-anatomy
    Growth
    Growtth
    Happiness
    Harriet Tubman
    Healing
    How To Be A Working TV Actor
    How To Get An Agent
    How To Move From FEAR To F
    How To Move Into TV/Film
    How To Write A Solo Show
    How To Write Your Story
    Idris-elba
    Inspiration
    Intention
    Intention Vs Goal Setting
    It-girl-summit
    Kerry Washington
    Let Go Or Be Dragged
    Life Changers
    Life Coaching
    Life Lessons
    Lord Of The Rings
    Love-art
    Lupita Nyong’o
    Make Your Own Work
    Making Your Own Work
    Maria Bello
    Marketing
    Marketing Strategy
    Mary Boughey
    Masters Of The Craft
    Memoir
    Memorization
    Mentor
    Meryl-streep
    MFA
    Mfae
    Michael B Jordan
    Michael Harriot
    Mini MasterClass
    Modesto-lacen
    Monetize
    Motherfucking-actor
    Musician
    Natural Hair
    Never-ever-give-up
    Newsletter
    Not-show-talent
    Nudity
    Oncamera
    On Camera Acting
    On Camera Auditioning
    Oncamera Audition Technique
    One Man Show
    One Woman Show
    Online Business
    Openhandsopenheart
    Paul Robeson
    Period Work
    Pilot Season
    Pilot Season Prep
    Pilot Season Strategy
    Pissing-people-off
    Play
    Playwright
    Playwrights
    Political Theatre
    Private Coaching
    Process
    Procrastination
    Producer
    Production Company
    Psychological Gesture
    Purposeful Life
    Raise-money-for-your-acting-career
    Recurring Emotional Chords
    Reg-cathey
    Rejection
    Release The Struggle
    Resilience
    Retreats
    ReWrite Your Story
    SAG-AFTRA
    SciFi Fantasy
    Screenplay
    Screenwriter
    Screenwriters
    Self Love
    Self Producing
    Selfproducing
    Self-producingartist
    Selfproducingartist
    Self Submission
    Self-Submitting
    Self-submitting
    Self-Tape
    Self Worth
    Self-worth
    Selfworth
    Setting Goals
    Show-business
    Simonsays-entertainment
    Singer
    Solo Artist
    Solo Performer
    Solo Play
    Solo Show
    Soulfood
    Soul Song
    Start A Coaching Business
    Start An Online Business
    Starving Artist BS
    Stay The Course
    Storytellers
    Storytelling
    Storytelling Circle
    Style Work
    Success
    Sugar Hill Film
    Support Films With Roles In It For You
    TellYourStory
    Theatre
    The Business Of Acting
    The Questions
    Therapy
    Theresa Randle
    The Walking Dead
    TheWritersRoom
    TimeSavingHacks
    Tv
    TV Writer
    Ultimate 30min Aud Prep
    Victimhood
    Viola Davis
    Voice-speech
    Vulnerability
    Wesley Snipes
    What's Your Fuck THIS Moment?
    White Actors Suing POC Projects
    WHY BRITISH ACTORS ARE TAKING YOUR JOBS
    Working Actor
    Working For Free
    Writer

    RSS Feed

  • TheDreamUnLocked
  • Actor Classes
    • What's Your Actor Super Power?
    • Emotional Type Audition Technique
    • How to Double Your Auditions
    • GET UNSTUCK >
      • I Am Enuf DOL MiniCourse
    • BLOGS >
      • BadAssActor Blog
      • BadAssWriter Blog
  • Writer Classes
    • What is the Solo Show Secret
    • Fix My Solo Show
    • Journalling into Story
    • How to Start Writing MiniCourse
    • Writer MiniRetreats
  • ABOUT APRIL
    • Work with April
    • Privacy Policy
  • Testimonials
  • DONATE
  • GetUnStuck CTA